Blood on my hands
by Ferowyn
Summary: Hobbit Kink Meme Prompt: Fili/Kili: Kili walks in on Fili in bed with someone else. He's absolutely shattered and immediately storms out of the room. However, Fili was actually being raped, and Kili didn't realize it WARNING: Incest, Rape, Violence


_Prompt: established Fili/Kili. Kili walks in on Fili in bed with someone else (another dwarf maybe, or a man). He's absolutely shattered and immediately storms out of the room. However, Fili was actually being raped, and Kili didn't realize it - maybe the perpetrator lightly sedated Fili, or blackmailed him, it was at an angle where Kili couldn't see Fili's face clearly, etc. Cue ANGST AND HURT AND TEARS as Fili and Kili's relationship falls apart, and Kili doesn't know what actually happened and Fili is trying to cope but doesn't know what to do or say and FEELINGS. But Kili eventually figures it out when he runs into the perpetrator...and proceeds to open up a can of whoop ass on him. Then h/c, because I don't want my boys to stay broken._

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**Blood on my hands**

Kili cannot even bring himself to look at his brother. They are sitting in their mother's kitchen and Fili's eyes are _begging_ him to understand, to ask the right questions, to say something, _anything_, but Kili does not know that, he does not see it. He is staring at the burn in the wood that originates from the candle he has knocked down so many years ago, almost setting the whole table on fire. Back then, when everything had been easy.

Normally his eyes are drawn towards his brother and he instinctively looks for Fili wherever they are, but now? Looking at him means remembering. He cannot forget the sight and the noise and the reek anyway, he does not need another constant reminder.

They have avoided each other since it has happened, but now uncle Thorin and their mother have locked them up in this room, trying to make them talk. Kili _cannot_ talk about it, though. He has witnessed it; he does not want to hear about it, too. His brother has found someone else. So what? (Actually it is not _so-what_ at all, it hurts like hell, but he loves Fili and he wants to make this easier for him. It is not his brother's fault if he has finally fallen for another dwarf, by no means does he want him to feel guilty about that! However, he is not going to start this conversation. He still does not want to hear the truth.)

They spend the next eight hours in that room, not looking at each other and neither of them saying a word. Eventually their mother opens the door. "I don't understand," she mutters, frowning, putting a bowl of stew in front of each of her sons, but while Kili only takes his spoon and plays with it Fili does not even move at all. Her frown increases. "Usually the two of you can talk about anything! What in Durin's name has happened?" Both of them flinch, but neither makes a move to answer the question. She shakes her head and sighs. "Go home now, will you?"

Kili raises his head, eyes pleading. "Can I stay here?"

The worry is clearly visible in Dis' face, but she nods. "Of course," she smiles. "You can sleep in your old room." Kili is already leaving the kitchen when she turns towards her older son. "What about you?" Had the black-haired dwarf looked back – he would have seen the single tear running down Fili's cheek.

"_What do we have here? A little prince who is all alone?" Fili is startled. He whips around and finds himself face to face with an elderly dwarf. Before he can say anything he is pressed against the wall of the bedroom he is sharing with his brother, unable to move. His wrists are trapped in an unyielding grasp. The other one is taller and stronger than him and using his full bodyweight to keep him in place. Fili can feel something he does not want to think about push against his belly. His heart starts to race when he realizes what exactly the older dwarf is planning to do._

"_Stop it," he yells and struggles, desperately trying to free his hands or get his knee up. "Leave me alone!"_

_The grey-haired blacksmith (he must be a blacksmith, Fili can smell the smoke of the forge and feel the thick fingers around his arms, calloused in a way that only wielding a sledgehammer for years can cause) chuckles lowly and presses his hips even harder against the young prince. "There is no chance you can escape me," he murmurs, voice and eyes dark with arousal. "The only one who could save you is your brother, but he is not here." Fili begs that the other one is wrong, that Kili will come. "I made sure of that. He will not make it here in time and if he should come he will no longer want to help you."_

_Fili is confused. Why on earth would Kili _not_ help him, especially when he is being _raped_?_

_The older dwarf laughs viciously, the noise echoing in the dark room. "I have been waiting for this for a very long time," he admits, eyes gleaming madly. "Ever since king Thorin named you his heir. I was there, at the feast, but you never saw me. You only had eyes for your pretty little brother. But don't worry, no need to be jealous – you are much prettier." He grins broadly. "Wait – you don't even know my name, do you? My bad… or yours, that depends. After all you should have acknowledged my existence so many years ago." He sighs. "Well, I will forgive you. You are in my arms now, and nothing else matters. My name is Grain and after tonight you will never forget it." The madness is clearly visible on his face._

_Fili opens his mouth and screams._

Kili stays in their old room for the next week, crying himself to sleep every night. He cannot get the image of his brother and this older dwarf out of his head and it hurts, it hurts so much. He feels as if someone (more precisely: Fili) has taken his heart and ripped it out, leaving him bleeding and in pain. He does not understand it. What has he done? Ever since Fili has been named Thorin's heir he has dreaded this. Fili is a future king, he could have anyone – what can he, Kili, give him? Fili knows that Kili will never leave him. Kili needs him, but he does not need Kili. They are not only lovers, but brothers. Fili is the one person Kili could tell anything, the one person he would trust with everything. He has vowed to stand by the older one's side for as long as he lives. Even if he has to see his brother be with someone else. No, Kili will not go and there is nothing Fili can do that would change it. And Fili knows that..

Once more he gulps back the tears. When he had made that vow he had underestimated how much it really would hurt. He knows he cannot stay here, in this room, hiding from the world, for much longer. He has to go back and be happy for the older one. Kili crunches his teeth. He has spent the last week trying to picture himself talking to Fili about this, staying calm, acting like he is okay with it. He has tried to prepare himself, but in vain. It will hurt, no matter what he does.

He has promised himself not to stand in the way of his brother if there is someone else who makes him happier than he can. He understands if Fili does not want to be in a romantic relationship with his _brother_ any longer. What he does _not_ understand is why the older one has not simply told him, though. Why had Fili let him walk in on him fucking another dwarf, knowing how much this would hurt him? He tries to push back the thought that has been troubling him most for the past week. He cannot believe that this has not been the first time Fili has betrayed him. He knows, his brother is not that kind of person, but he cannot help wondering.

Kili kicks the wall and hisses because of the pain. One thing is clear: The older one wanted him to walk in on him. Otherwise he would have found a better place than their common rooms. He wanted to be seen with that other dwarf. Kili still does not understand why Fili is not talking to him, though. In the eight hours they have spent in their mother's kitchen he has not said a word. Does he want to give him time to get used to the new situation?

_Grain is now holding Fili's wrists in one hand, with the other hand he is opening a small bottle filled with a dark-green liquid. He manages to hold Fili's nose and only when the blond dwarf's vision is starting to get blurry he opens his mouth instinctively, gasping for air. Grain quickly pours the liquid into his mouth and makes him swallow it by massaging his throat. "Be quiet!"_

_Fili wants to scream again, but he cannot open his tongue._

_Grain smiles. "It's already working! Very effective… this is an old recipe from Mordor. An orc sold it to me," he reveals, letting his fingers trace the contours of Fili's face. "It does not affect your mind, only your body. Until the effect wears off you will do everything I say, because my blood was one of the ingredients." He grins. "Don't worry, I will make this very pleasant for you. Now stop fighting." Fili's body goes limp. Again he tries to scream, but his mouth does not obey him any longer._

_Grain starts to let his hands roam over the blond dwarf's body. "Enjoy," he whispers. And to his utter horror Fili can feel his pulse quicken when the older one starts to open the clasps and lacings of his clothing, undressing him slowly. Only when he feels a tear run down his cheek he realizes that he can still cry. Grain catches the salty drop with his tongue and Fili hears himself moan with pleasure. He is already hard as a stone and no matter how desperate he is, his body is enjoying this and aching for the older dwarf's touch._

_Grain takes his swords and puts them away, brings each of Fili's daggers out of reach. Well, it is not like he could take them, no matter how much he wants to. Then he is completely naked and Grain does not take his greedy eyes off of what only Kili should see. "Touch me," he whispers hoarsely. "Undress me." And Fili does as he is told, making the old dwarf squirm. "To the bed!" He takes the oil Fili and Kili always use, opens the bottle and smells at it. "Mmh, pine. I love that scent." He starts to prepare the younger one, making him moan loudly._

"_Touch my cock," Grain orders. "Oil it." Fili takes the bottle and strokes the old dwarf's member, doing what he knows Kili likes best. Grain is groaning. Then obviously his patience has worn off, for suddenly he is in Fili, thrusting hard and fast._

_The door opens._

Kili cannot look at him. He has tried to, he really has, but he _can't_. He has left their old room today, knowing he is supposed to be at his brother's side. They do not talk, only sit next to each other at the table in their kitchen. Kili is sharpening his weapons while Fili is reading a book, hiding behind the pages. He can feel his brother squirm from time to time, and he flinches at every loud noise. The black-haired dwarf sighs. He does not dare to ask.

Suddenly Fili puts his book away and leaves the room. He comes back with something wrapped in a piece of cloth and hands it to Kili. The younger one unwraps it and sees the shattered blade of the dagger he has once forged for his brother. The older one had always taken good care of it and it had saved his life many a time.

Kili gulps heavily and chokes back the tears. Now it is broken. He takes the pieces and leaves the room, not wanting to let Fili see how much this hurts. Sobbing quietly he returns to his mother's chambers, hiding in the corner he has spent the last week in. His fingers are clutching the blade and he can feel it cut into his skin, but he could not care less. Why has Fili given it to him? Hesitantly he takes a closer look at the pieces. The blade looks as if someone has struck it at the wall, again and again. But why would Fili do that? Kili sighs. It does not matter, he no longer has the right to ask. His brother has given the pieces to him without saying anything. Probably he no longer wants it. Maybe his lover has given him a blade of his own?

Kili takes a lot of time to decide what he will do with the dagger, hiding from the world. Probably he should just get rid of it; it only reminds him of what has happened. On the other hand… it has taken him rather long to forge it and maybe… maybe one day Fili will want it black, no matter how tiny that chance may be. He takes a deep breath and leaves his corner, sets out for one of the public forges. Already he is thinking about how to reforge the blade, which technique to use, whether to add any new ornaments.

He enters the forge, looking for the tools he will need, when he sees him.

_Fili cannot even lift his head when Kili enters the room. All he can do is look at him and _beg_ him to understand. He knows, if Kili only looks into his eyes he will see that this is not what it looks like… but he does not. Kili's gaze is fixed on the sweat on Fili's body and the pre-cum on his cock and his open mouth and the way he is squirming and meeting Grain halfway._

_The look on Kili's face can only be described as pure betrayal and no matter how much Fili's soul is crying out for him, the black-haired dwarf does not realize what really is happening. Grain notices that Fili is concentrating on his brother rather than him and a vicious smile flashes across his face. "Close your eyes and kiss me," he orders and Fili can only do as he is told. He does not see Kili whip around and run out of the room, but he knows that tears are running down his brother's cheeks. The door slams shut behind him._

_Grain laughs loudly. "See? I told you he wouldn't want to help you." Once again Fili tries to struggle and this time the tips of his fingers move a wee little bit. He draws new hope from this tiny movement. Grain frowns. "Looks like the effect is already wearing off… well, we'll have to be fast then. Touch yourself!"_

_And Fili pleasures himself, humiliated beyond belief. He can feel he is close and no matter how hard he tries to fight it back, when Grain murmurs "Cum! Cry my name and cum for me!" waves of pleasure roll through his body while his rapist's name echoes loudly in the room that has only ever heard Fili's and Kili's names called out like that. Grain spills himself inside Fili and breaks down, pressing the young dwarf into the mattress and making it hard for him to breathe. "You are not going to talk about this to anyone", he orders and Fili knows that the drug is still working. He will not be able to tell anyone what has happened. He will not be able to explain this to Kili… He does not really realize Grain slipping out of him and getting dressed. The old dwarf presses a kiss to Fili's forehead. "Don't be sad. I'll come back and make you scream my name once more," he promises and were it not for the madness, his expression could be described as loving. Then he goes, leaving a broken prince behind._

_Fili is lying on the bad, does not move. His body still does not do what he wants him to, but he can feel another single tear running down his cheek._

It takes all of Kili's self-control not to draw his sword and cut the older dwarf's throat. Fili wants to be with that blacksmith, he cannot kill him. His brother should be happy. That in mind he squares his shoulders and starts to repair the blade, trying his best not to think or look at the dwarf. When he is done and the dagger is good as new he makes a decision. Banishing all the negative thoughts and memories to the back of his mind he forces a smile and approaches the grey-haired blacksmith. "If I may ask, what is your name, Master dwarf?"

The older one lifts his head, surprise clearly visible on his face. "I am Grain, son of Grahr," he answers, bowing slightly.

Kili also bows and then lets the dark emotions take over. Suddenly his sword is at Grain's throat and his voice is menacing: "If you hurt him, I am going to _kill_ you," he says, matter-of-factly.

Grain winces, closing his eyes and biting his bottom lip. "What do you know?" he whines and finally Kili understands. He is terrified. Frantically he replaces the sword with his hand, strangling the older dwarf and his eyes are full of bloodlust. He can feel the rage (as well as the despair and the guilt) burning in his veins, hot and furious and _deadly_. The young prince forces himself to let go of the other one's throat and grab his collar instead, dragging Grain with him mercilessly. He may be younger, shorter and not as heavy as his brother's tormentor, but the fury gives him more strength than the shocked Grain could ever summon up.

Kili stops in front of his uncle's quarters, banging at the door. "Uncle Thorin!" Grain starts to beg.

Then the king is standing in front of them, obviously impatient and irritated, but when he sees all the emotions displayed on his nephew's face his features soften. "What is it?"

"This dwarf," he growls, voice dripping with rage and hate "Grain, son of Grahr, has raped Fili" and Thorin's eyes go dark.

Within seconds Grain is bound and the king's sword is cutting slightly into the skin of his neck, producing a small trickle of blood. "Do you have any proof?"

"Not yet, but it would explain Fili's behaviour. And I…" He gulps heavily. "I walked in on them." His uncle nods understandingly and to Kili's utmost relief he does not say anything. "But it should be rather easy to make him confess. When I threatened to kill him in case he hurt my brother he asked me what I knew. Maybe we should torture him a little, and he will sing like a bird." He has never felt so much pure _hate_ in his whole life.

Thorin's grin is as malicious as his own. "Take your dagger. Maybe we should castrate him? It would be a fair punishment." He reaches out to open Grain's trousers.

"No, please don't, I will tell you everything!" the grey-haired dwarf whines.

Thorin circles him, like a tiger would circle his prey. "So? Go on!" His voice is dark and low and dangerous.

_He will not be able to stand this much longer._

_Kili thinks he has betrayed him, of course he does, what else could he think? He has tried to tell him, over and over again. He has tried to say that he did not want it, or that he is sorry, or that he would have needed Kili, but no matter how hard he tries, he cannot say the words. The effect of the drug may have worn off, but its vicious spell is still working. He cannot disobey Grain's last order. Fili is unable to say anything that has to do with the rape. He has tried to find an antidote, but how are you supposed to explain what you are looking for if you cannot talk about it?_

_Kili and he had spent eight hours sitting in their mother's kitchen and not talking to each other. He can see how hurt Kili is, but he cannot help him. Many a time he had opened his mouth and said something, but nothing could be heard. Maybe Kili would have gotten suspicious had he only looked at him…_

_Fili takes the blade his brother has given to him. He feels the rage and the despair run through his veins like fire and he strikes the wall once, twice, three times. Then the blade shatters and he feels even worse than before. There is nothing he wants to do more than take the pieces, go to one of the forges and repair the dagger, but he does not dare to. He knows, Grain is a blacksmith. What if he runs into him?_

_Fili decides to give the blade to Kili. His brother knows how much he loves this dagger; maybe it will make him look at him. Maybe it will make him realize that something is wrong. They sit next to each other without talking. The book Fili is trying to read is really interesting, but there is no way he can concentrate on the letters. Finally, when the silence gets too loud, he leaves and goes to their bathroom. He has spent the nights ever since… there, unable to sleep in the room where everything has happened. With shaking hands he takes the shattered blade and gives it to his brother. Kili takes it and Fili can see how hurt he is. He breaks down when the younger one leaves, his face buried in his hands, sobbing. What else can he do?_

_Then his brother is storming into the room, covered in blood and his expression murderous. He stops right in front of the blond dwarf and falls down to his knees. "Fili," he begs, sobbing, and it is only now that he sees the tears running down Kili's cheeks. "Please forgive me!"_

"I… I drugged him," Grain confesses. "I love him! I have loved him for so many years, but he never even saw me! So I bought this drug from an orc and poured it down his throat. It made him a slave to my will. He had to do whatever I told him." He is talking so fast that Thorin and Kili barely can follow, but not fast enough. Kili is clenching is fists in a desperate attempt not to kill that bastard before they know everything. Thorin looks like he is about to explode. "I made him enjoy it." The smile on Grain's face is so happy that in other circumstances they would pity him. "I made him cum and call my name. And then I told him not to talk to anyone about this matter, before I left. I promised him I would come back. I love him." The madness is clearly visible in his eyes.

Kili takes a deep breath and then he roars, loudly and full of pain and anger. "He didn't _want_ to be with you!" he screams. "He is with _me_! You made him do something he did not want! You _raped_ him!" Grain gulps heavily. "You do not love him! _I_ love him! If you loved him you would never have done this to him! You hurt him! Do you hear me?" He is yelling into the blacksmith's face. "_You hurt him!_"

Grain bursts into tears.

Kili is pacing like a captured animal. "I want to kill him," he growls repeatedly. "I want to kill him. I _have_ to kill him! Please, uncle?"

Thorin sighs. His own rage has not faded, but he cannot only act like an uncle, he also has to act like a king. "He is mad. Killing him would be merciful."

"What do you want to do – imprison him for the rest of his life? He does not deserve that! What he did was inexcusable and no other dwarvish rapist before him has not been punished with death! Besides, I cannot stand seeing him alive," Kili growls, hand clutching the hilt of his sword.

It takes Thorin a few minutes to come to a decision, thinking rationally is hard with so much fury blazing his vision. "Fine," he finally grumbles. "Kill him. And then go and find your brother, I will get rid of the… corpse."

Kili nods and draws his sword. Faster than Grain can process his king's words he beheads the old dwarf, showing a little mercy after all. He does not even wait for the head to meet the floor, nor does he bother to clean himself. And he could not care less that he has another dwarf's blood on his hands. After all, Grain has his brother's blood on his cock – metaphorically speaking. Kili does not care. He _needs_ to be with Fili.

_Fili is dumbstruck. "Are… are you hurt?" he finally manages to ask and Kili looks at him as if he has gone crazy. "No – why would I be?"_

"_Because you are covered in blood?"_

_The younger one blushes. "Sorry," he murmurs and gets rid of his bloodied coat. "It's not my blood."_

"_Whose is it?" Fili feels so much better, because maybe his brother still does not know, but they are _talking_._

_Kili squirms. "… Grain's?"_

_Fili feels like someone has thrown him into icy water. He wanted Kili to know what has happened, wanted him to know that he did not betray him, but now that his brother obviously has found out all he can feel is shame. His cheeks grow pale. "You know?"_

_Kili's eyes are still dark and Fili has never heard so much hate in his voice. "I ran into him. And I found out. And I took him to uncle Thorin. And I got rid of him." He gulps heavily. "I never want to even think about him ever again." The anger fades and makes way for guilt. "I am really sorry I did not help you. If I head just looked you in the eye… but I couldn't. It hurt too much. I swore that I would protect you, but I didn't, I let my own feelings come first. I failed you. Please. Forgive me?"_

_Fili can only stare at him disbelievingly. "You did not fail me!" he finally manages to choke out. "You never have and you never will."_

"_I'm sorry that I killed him. I could not control myself."_

_The blond dwarf sighs. "Thank you," he murmurs. "He said he would come again." Only then does he realize that he can talk about it. "Why is the spell broken?"_

"_Because his blood was the main ingredient – his blood that is now spilt," Kili answers, still kneeling._

_Fili gulps heavily. "Would you… would you hug me?"_

"_Of course!" Kili wraps his arms around the younger one, sits down and carefully pulls his brother into his lap. "Why would I not?"_

_Fili does not dare to look at him. "I am dirty," he whispers, barely audible. "He touched me. And I tried to wash it off, but I can't." He cannot choke back the tears. "I'm sorry!"_

"_No, I am," Kili murmurs, holding him. "I should have helped you. I should have been there and I wasn't. Please forgive me?" he asks again._

"_There is nothing to forgive." Fili smiles weakly. He finally dares to look at his brother and is surprised by the unidentifiable expression the younger one is wearing. "What's the matter?"_

This time it is Kili who gulps. "I… I really want to kiss you, but I'm not sure if… you'll let me?" Fili's relief is clearly visible. "I do not think you are dirty! _Grain_ is… or rather _was_." The younger one grimaces.

"Yes," Fili whispers. "Please. Kiss me."

Kili smiles and cups his brother's cheeks. "I love you," he says and his voice and eyes are filled with emotions. Then he lets his lips brush against Fili's, ridiculously happy that he is kissing the mouth he had already thought lost, to Grain. Thinking about the name makes him growl and press his brother's body against his own, kissing him properly; heatedly and passionately and possessively. Fili tenses for a second but then melts into the kiss. Finally he is able to forget that wrong, foul taste Grain has left him with.

They spend hours sitting in the kitchen, occasionally kissing and not saying anything. There is no need to talk, they only want to feel the other one's presence and drown in it.

Finally Kili speaks up. "I will help you." Fili's face is hidden in the crook of his neck and he is burying his nose in the blond hair he loves so much. "I will make sure that you are okay and one day, when you are ready, I will make you forget," he promises.

Fili smiles and presses his lips against the thin skin over his brother's collar bone. "I know you will."

"Don't worry, I'll wait until you _are_ ready."

"You have never been of the patient sort," Fili teases, but the relief in his voice is clearly audible.

Kili snorts. "I can be… if I want to." The blond dwarf chuckles lowly. "Anyway, we have to discuss a few things before I will let you fall asleep. First, you will talk about it to a healer." Fili winces but nods, knowing that objecting would be pointless. "Second, you need to tell me what you want me to… change. Or get rid of. And third, you have to let me know immediately if I do something you don't want me to do." Fili nods again, face still buried in his brother's neck. "Oh, and fourth: I almost forgot to give this one back to you." He hands the reforged dagger to his brother, who smiles broadly for the first time since Grain has surprised him.

"Thank you." He takes the blade and carefully puts it into his boot, where it belongs.

"So, what do you want me to dispose of?"

Fili squirms. "Perhaps we could sleep… somewhere else?" he asks. "And the pine oil… can you get rid of that?"

"Of course," Kili smiles and lifts his brother up, carries him to their mother's rooms, not caring who might or might not see them.

A few minutes later they are lying in the bed they have shared as children, Kili curled around his older brother. "Sleep. I'm here, I'll protect you and wake you if you should have a nightmare. Sleep. We can do this. Together."


End file.
